Saturday, February 8, 2020

2 Decades

Tomorrow marks the 20th anniversary of my son, Kenny's death. I have been struggling with my emotions all week. I have this hole in my heart that gets patched up but when the anniversary of his death comes around, it feels like it has been ripped out and torn in two all over again.

Two decades without his voice, his dark chocolate brown eyes, his laugh, his smile and his arms to hug us. I cannot help but wonder of the things he might have accomplished in the last two decades. What kind of job would he have? Would he be married? Who would have captured his heart? How many children would he have? Where would he be living?

I think of all that he has missed in the last two decades too. The wedding of his brother, the birth of his nephews, the births of all the cousins who came after his death, the family weddings, funerals and so many other family moments too numerous to mention. Making memories that should have been rather than memories for only 19 years, 3 months and 30 days. It just wasn't enough time!

I don't know if any parent ever gets over the loss of their child. I do know that I have learned to live with the aftermath of my son's death and I have accepted the fact that he is gone no matter how much I might wish that he wasn't. I have learned to move on with my life but it's divided now into before and after his death. 

The most precious gift is that my oldest grandson, Doodlebug is a wonderful combination of both my boys and at times his uncle shines through. When I see those moments I say a special thank you to God for giving me glimpses of a little boy whole stole my heart from the moment I learned I was pregnant.

I have written about Kenny and his death before and it's been awhile since I have re-posted those links. You can would read my original posts about Kenny here, The Death of Our Son Part 1The Death of Our Son, Part 2The Death of Our Son, Part 3 and The Death of Our Son, Part 4.

This is one of my favorite photos of Kenny. He was named for my maternal grandfather, George Kenneth Rueff, a man I respected and loved greatly. 

©2020, Dawn M. Kogutkiewicz, genealogical researcher and writer of Dawning Genealogy. All rights reserved.

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